Understanding

Ice - The original

I can't sleep again so, it's time to write some. At least the weather is going to be better today with highs in the low 50's F and only a small chance of rain. Maybe it want be so depressing to me today. Yesterday was just the pits.

I been working on my web site some. I finally got a counter add to it. I've been working on adding a message corkboard and a link to the current weather information. So far, they're not working but, I'll just keep trying. It's a good learning experience for me anyway.

I was thinking about my dialysis today. It's a subject that's nevier far from my mind. I realized that I never explained exactly what a fistula was. What the surgeon did is take a vein in my left arm and connected to an artery. Then it was moved closer to the surface of my arm. This way when I go to dialysis they just place two inch and a half needles into the fistula for the access.

They say there's less chance for infections with this method and after a while you don't even feel the needles when they connect you. I find that hard to belief now but, you never know maybe they're right.

My dad just came in and wants me to go back to bed and try to sleep. I know he is trying to help me and has my best interest at heart, but he just doesn't understand. When I woke at 3;30 this morning I tried to sleep some more but, couldn't. I just end up flopping around in the bed still not sleeping. This is why I come out here and write.

He sees it as so simple - if I go lie down I'll go to sleep. It works for him so, it should work for me, right? It doesn't! No matter how I try to explain it he just doesn't get it. Yes, I know the sleep would be good for me too but, it just does come when others are asleep. Sometimes I end up taking a nap. I get the sleep when I can at least when my body will allow it.

This and other subjects have caused some tension between us. He sees so many things as being black and white. Lie down - you'll go to sleep. Take your medicine and you'll get well. Do everything the doctors say and you'll get better. I do take all my medications but, still get infections. I've followed all my doctor's advice but, still end up in the hospital. This doesn't mean I'll stop doing either but it shows things are not always so easy and don't go as planned.

It's a little after 5 am now. I'm still not the least bit sleepy but I'll go lie down and flop just to make him happy and ease the tension between us. I love him and my Mom dearly and I really want to get along with them. Sometimes it's just hard for me to do. We are much alike with strong personalities. We both want things done our way - ie the right way.

The photo for today - The original for "Fire and Ice" - Ice

Sue, I love and miss you greatly.