Thursday, March 16, 2006

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Heaven, Hell or in Between?

A Lily For Sue Photographed 1/06

Heaven or Hell, who really knows what awaits us after we slip our earthly bonds. Is it either of these two or as matter are we remolded into something or someone else only to return to an earthly existence? I have no answer to this question. Lately I've been pondering this question and others like it.

is the reaper really grim or should it be the "respectful reaper". Death might not be so bad in some instances. For those who are suffering or others who have lost all hope it might be a relief.

I have found myself questioning my existence. Why am I here? What's my purpose? What have I done in my life?Have I helped anyone? It seems I'm just not as happy as I once was. Oh, I have moments of sheer joy and happiness but they happen much less frequently than they used to. This makes the people I love sad and that's not what I want to do.

I'd like nothing more than to be happy and cheerful all the time and I set out to do that but, some little everyday things have become a struggle for me and this is the reason for my periods of unhappiness.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up yet. Still, I can't help but to think it might be easier on me and everyone else just to give up and lie down peacefully. I just can't do that yet. I still love life and Sue too much. I do long for the days when my body was whole - all parts still there and working. Days with no pain and worries to fret about. I used to be very outgoing and made friends easily but, my physical condition has caused me to withdrawal from activities where you meet a lot of people. I don't feel as comfortable with myself as I once did.

I'm sure my illness has caused Sue problems. She has stayed in jobs she really didn't care for so we would have insurance. She's turn down opportunities so we wouldn't have to move again and start all over finding doctors and care facilities. There's no question, I've held her back, yet she loves me with all her heart and I love her with all of mine. As I look back on our twenty years as husband and wife, it seems like only yesterday we we in front of the priest exchanging or vows.

Sue carries me on. She is always there for me trying to make me have a good day - making me as happy as I can be. She takes care of me and cleans up after me when I'm sick.

Sue's favorite flower is a lily. She carried them on our wedding day and I can still see them. They were almost as beautiful as she was that day. I remember someone told her they were too bright for a wedding. She just laughed and said"It's my wedding and I love them" and so with a bouquet of bright orange tiger lilies she glided down the aisle and into my life for ever.
the photo for today - a lily - what else.


At 3:35 PM, Blogger Me said...

Hi Mark

thought I would return the favour and view your blog.

Your photos are great, you thoughts sensible and sentiments delightful.

To question what everything is all about seems very logical to me - I do it every day - not to be morbid - but to grow.

Buy hey - what do I know - I am a rambling mad woman!


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